Managing Difficult People (without losing your mind)
Every people-leader has faced or will face a difficult employee. It could be the high performer with a toxic attitude, the deflector who always has an excuse and someone to blame, or the passive-aggressive old-timer who resists every new idea. If you're managing people, it's not if you’ll meet these challenges, it is when.
So how do you manage these situations without escalating tension, burning bridges, or burning yourself out?
Recognize the Behavior and Cause
Difficult behaviors are often symptoms, not root causes. Chronic lateness might mask disengagement or life stress. Negativity might be a cover for fear or burnout. Before labeling someone “difficult” or moving to discipline, pause and ask yourself: What might be driving this behavior? Then prepare yourself to thoughtfully and respectfully engage with the person.
Reframe the Story
It’s easy to fall into blame narratives: “They just don’t care” or “They’re lazy.” Instead, reframe the story to focus on observable behavior and shared expectations. Shift from “you are a problem” to “there’s a problem, and we’re going to solve it together.”
Use factual, objective language like:
“I’ve noticed you’ve missed several deadlines.”
“Help me understand what’s going on.”
“What’s your plan for meeting expectations going forward?”
Respond with Candor and Kindness
Vague hints, hopeful tolerance, and dysfunctional politeness will backfire. The most effective leaders are both clear and compassionate. As Brene Brown says, “clear is kind.” That means naming the issue directly, listening to the employee’s story, and creating space for the employee to take ownership.
Use frameworks like SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) to keep the conversation focused:
“In last week’s meeting (situation), when you interrupted your colleague (behavior), it derailed the discussion (impact).”
Set Boundaries
You can be supportive and have boundaries. Boundaries include setting up clear consequences, timelines, how to access support, and following through. Employees need clear expectations more than second chances.
Ask yourself:
Did I set up clear expectations in the beginning?
Have I clearly stated what needs to change?
Does the employee know the timeline?
Am I prepared to act if change doesn’t happen and how?
Partner with HR
Managers are not expected to “fix” everyone, so no need to try to be a hero. Managing challenging behavior is tough. Involve HR early. Document your conversations in an objective and prompt way. You are expected to lead with fairness and consistency, and this is easier with the help, advice, and support of HR.
Managing difficult employees isn’t about confrontation, it is about leadership. With the right approach, even the toughest situations can become turning points for growth, both for your employee and for you.
Key Resources: Radical Candor by Kim Scott; Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler; Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman