Rethinking Bereavement
I thought I was a champion for bereaved employees, until my sister died.
When I served as human resources (HR) leader, I advocated for more time for employees grieving family members. I insisted that we trust employees when they shared that they had a special relationships with aunts, uncles, and grandparents. This meant that I agreed that all those employees get the maximum bereavement leave available – 5 days.
Five days is almost always wildly inadequate.
I wish I had known more back then about the toll grief takes on the human mind, body, and spirit. According to experts at Harvard University, the symptoms of normal or acute grief can go on for 6 to 12 months and those with persistent grief for more than a year. These symptoms include “a variety of physical and emotional issues, such as depression, trouble sleeping, feelings of anger and bitterness, anxiety, loss of appetite, and general aches and pains.” All caused by stress related to the death.
In the average situation, people’s daily lives are significantly impacted by grief for as much as a year, but we ask them to return to work in a matter of days or weeks. Of course, it is not always possible to permit an employee to be away for weeks to begin healing from the death of a family member. But organizations can do much more to support employees as they weather the ongoing physical, mental, and emotional impacts of grief.
In a recent and totally unscientific poll, I asked my LinkedIn network what work benefits would have helped them the most after experiencing a death in their family. Here are the results:
More time off – 70%
Counseling – 7%
More support from their supervisor – 23%
Despite the small sample and method, I think this is correct. More time is the most effective and easiest thing an employer can do for an employee. That is the place to start, but there is more that leaders can do to help employees grieve, care for themselves, and pursue a healthy life after their loss.
More Time Off
This means more paid time off to be away for healing and the work associated with death. In addition to grief, the death of a loved one involves a lot of business. The business of death mostly happens during business hours and often on someone else’s schedule. This includes probating wills, addressing bills, dealing with insurance companies, ending subscriptions, canceling credit cards, communicating with loved ones, packing and moving personal belongings, and on and on. All these require time from a person who is likely struggling to get through each day.
Bereavement leave should be able to be taken non-consecutively and at least up to a year after the death. As for how many days, Facebook currently offers 20 days of bereavement leave. Over a year that isn’t much and is doable for most employers. Further, bereavement leave policies should not be dependent on seniority. Every employee deserves the dignity to grieve in a manner that supports them and care for the business associated with their loved one’s death.
Let Employees Define Their Relationships
Not everyone considers their first-degree relatives (parent, child, sibling) their closest family. It is not the responsibility of HR to define or judge an employee’s personal relationships. If an employee reports the death of a close family member the discussion should be about what the employee needs to get through this time. Employees should not be asked to provide proof of death or explain how close they were to this family member to determine how many days they get off. If someone is seeking support that is the time to trust them and treat them with respect and kindness.
Grief Counseling
Whether it is an Employee Assistance Program or contract with separate service like Hope Works Here, grief counseling and support services should be available to all employees who experience loss. All people managers within the organization should be familiar with the employee benefits and be trained to make this offer or remind employees of the service when appropriate. The process to schedule an appointment should be simple or done through an HR representative. It should be easy for employees in need to get help.
Training Supervisors
Death is complicated and uncomfortable for most people. Providing resources and training to supervisors will empower them to feel more comfortable helping bereaved team members as they deal with their individual circumstances and eventually transition back to work. In my poll 23% of the responders needed more support from their supervisor. I wonder how many of those supervisors wanted to be more supportive but didn’t know how to do it and chose to do nothing rather than risk doing or saying the wrong thing?
We can all learn how to be kind, empathetic, and supportive toward those who have suffered a loss. As leaders we must do this work, because feeling seen and supported by your leader is important and comforting.