How Conflict Should Feel

Productive conflict is a powerful tool for solving problems and maintaining strong relationships. However, few of us know how to use conflict for good. Instead, we allow our emotions to guide our responses.

Conflict comes with big feelings of fear, anger, loneliness, and discomfort. Riding these emotional waves often results in overly assertive responses (fight), avoidance (flee), or failure to change and grow (freeze). These responses leave us feeling bad about ourselves, others, or both.

To embrace and leverage conflict for productivity we must remain present, regulate our emotions, and ask good questions. If we do this conflict becomes a productivity tool. But, how will we know we are doing it correctly? How should conflict feel?

The professionally courageous person who initiates difficult discussions or addresses the conflict should feel:

Clarity: Clear about the issue and why it is important.

Calm: Able to share thoughts and feelings calmly with an internal peace that they are doing the best thing for the person or team.

Open: Willing to actively listen to the other person's point of view, ask good questions, and learn from them.

Respect: Their perspective is considered, even if it is being challenged.

Productive: Focused on solving the problem in a way that benefits everyone involved.

The person who is responding to a difficult discussion or is on the receiving end of addressing a problem must also be professionally courageous (being present, regulating their emotions, and asking good questions). Productive conflict should lead to them feeling:

Challenged not attacked: Challenged in a respectful way, without feeling attacked or belittled. They should recognize that the conflict is about the problem and not a personal attack.

Clarity: Clear about why it is important and why it is being brought to them. At the end of the discussion, they must be clear on the resolution, how it will impact them, and what it means for the team.

Seen and Heard: Provided the opportunity to fully share their perspective on the situation.

Curious: The ability to replace defensiveness, judgment, and criticism with good questions. And be fully open to understanding the other person's perspective and investigating new ideas.

Interest: View the conflict as an opportunity to learn and gain new insights to improve their own thinking and decision-making.

Included: Engaged in the process going forward to solve the problem without condemnation, shame, or grudges.

All parties in the conflict should feel respected, lead with curiosity, prioritize listening, seek first to find common ground, and reach an equitable resolution.

Problem solving through productive conflict will result in a solution the parties can feel proud of – a just reward for facing the discomfort, fear, and anger that often arise in conflict.