Interrupting Incivility

“Civility is smart. It’s savvy. It’s human. By being civil, you get to be a nice person and you get ahead.” Christine Porath, Mastering Civility.

Civility, according to Merriam-Webster is defined as “an appearance of consideration, tact, deference, or courtesy.” And courtesy is defined as “behavior marked by polished manners or respect for others.” Civility is simple, in basic terms it is being respectful and polite. Yet we all are constantly exposed to disrespect and incivility at work, in local government, and on social media.

I recently conducted a respectful workplace corporate training for over 60 employees. In each of the 11 sessions I led participants were asked to list the characteristics of a civil and an uncivil workplace that they had experienced. In every session the list of words produced for a workplace marked by incivility was significantly longer than those for a civil workplace. Also, every group identified stress, anxiety, and/or fear as a key characteristic of a workplace incivility.

We know that chronic stress, anxiety, and fear have negative effects on people. They also have negative effects on businesses. Christine Porath, in her book Mastering Civility and Ted Talk, shared key findings from her research on incivility. These clearly demonstrate that incivility has dire consequences for people and work, her findings include:

48% of workers intentionally decreased their effort at work;

38% of workers intentionally decreased the quality of their work;

78% of workers said their commitment to their employer declined;

Workers shut down and are less likely to seek or accept feedback; and

Workers are less likely to speak up about problems or errors[1].

Incivility destroys trust and psychological safety, creating a negative cycle. If the cycle is not interrupted it will continue and expand throughout the organization, family, or community. Uninterrupted, this cycle will ultimately create a culture of silence, distrust, disunity, and ineffectiveness.

What actions can we take as individuals to interrupt the cycle?

1.    Acknowledge that all of us at times are disrespectful or impolite and be vigilant and self-aware about own behavior when we are feeling overwhelmed or stressed.

2.    When we are disrespectful, impolite, or otherwise incivil address that behavior immediately and directly with the person affected by the behavior. Addressing the behavior one-on-one is best, but if circumstances require it then take a neutral party along to support the discussion. Communication is the antidote to shutdown.

3.    Learn and practice offering sincere and legitimate apologies (acknowledge the behavior + identify the harm + take responsibility + offer to repair + ask for forgiveness + change behavior). “I am sorry you feel that way” is not a real apology.

4.    Collaborate with others to create a culture where civility, psychological safety, candid communication, and stress management are a top priority.

We cannot solve the world’s civility problems on our own. But through intentional efforts we can create civil environments, filled with politeness and respect, within our homes, churches, social circles, and workplaces.

[1] Porath, Christine. 2016. Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace. New York: Grand Central Publishing.